There's More to NYC Than Just Times Square

Here's a tip for you knuckleheads with limited vision... Times Square does not define NYC. In fact, it's one of the most disingenuous parts. Why you say? Well, for starters, it's 100% geared to tourists. "So", you say? I'm a tourist. what's the problem? Put it this way, if you picked up Times Square and dropped it in the middle of Las Vegas or Disneyland, you'd get just as much "New York City" out of it as you would if you left it where it is today. I say today, because at one time it actually was authentic. Today it's  just a shell of it's former self, filled to the brim with gitchy theme restaurants and corporate chains. Seriously, isn't there a Hard Rock Cafe in your own town? Do the fries really taste better at the Applebees in New York City?

Look, I'm not saying you shouldn't visit Times Square, but I am urging you not to waste too much time there. I constantly read Q&A's on Y!A from people who are looking for a hotel in Times Square, or how they are planning their entire trip around it and it's a shame. You don't realize it, but you're playing right into our Napoleonic Mayor's grubby green hands. Talk about out of touch! This multi-billionaire, yeah, that's with a "b", won't be happy until he bleeds every last shred of authenticity out of this great city and transforms it into a dystopian society where we eat, drink and sleep at his command. Sorry for the rant, back on topic...

So, where were we? Right, Times Square... You clowns make such a big deal about it, but Times Square is really just a tiny part of Midtown. It's not even square, it's actually triangular! :) Seriously, it's just an intersection at Seventh Avenue and Broadway that extends from 42nd St - 47th St on the West side of Midtown. Now, take into consideration that Midtown runs from 31st St all the way up to 59th St. between Third and Ninth Ave.! And that's just Midtown! You've still got Uptown and Downtown to contend with. 

So, is there any other message here, other than just not wasting time in Times Square? Yeah, save yourself some bank and avoid staying in a hotel within those boundaries. There's plenty of real estate throughout Midtown. You'll still be centrally located and just footsteps away from Angry Elmo and the Naked Cowboy.

Seinfeld, Friends and Other NYC Misconceptions

Lets get this malarky out of the way quick and easy... NYC is not like Friends, it's not like Seinfeld and it's not like Friends With Benefits. Sorry to burst your bubble, but the average New York City apartment isn't as extravagant as Monica's and the average New Yorker doesn't own a car or drive to every destination like Jerry, George and Kramer! Geez, out of a cast of four, they have three of them zipping around New York City in cars, not to mention the supporting cast (Newman, Puddy and Uncle Leo, to name a few.). Talk about missing the boat. In fact, the Elaine character is the only one that even comes close to living like an actual New Yorker. She's a transplant from Maryland, she doesn't drive, takes public transportation, has a roommate (most seasons) and she dresses in business casual like most working class women in NYC. Jerry and George dress like they're living out on Long Island and Kramer... Well, Kramer dresses like that uncle you have who spends his daylight hours in a bar or at an OTB betting on longshots.

NYC is also very diverse, and I don't mean the token black or Indian cast member that graces the occasional episode of these shows. I mean diverse, as in rainbow of colors on any corner or in any subway car. 

Oh, and BTW, Nitz... "Central Perk" isn't real, and if it were, good luck ever getting a seat on the one couch they have. Better luck ever even finding an empty couch in a coffee shop that size - period! Funny how these foolios managed to find an empty couch in every episode.

Speaking of which... Friends was filmed in Hollywood, not in New York City, so all of those interior shots of Monica's fantasy apartment or anything else that was shot indoors was actually 3,000 miles away. You can, however, see some of the outdoor locations used on the show, including the exterior views of Monica's apartment in the Village if you're in town (pic to your left). The address is: 495 Grove St. There's also a tour you can take that will bring you there (among other outdoor locations), but you can't go in. Why would you want to anyway? It's not what you see on the show. FRIENDS & MORE TOUR 

 

Wanna Get Scammed? Use Craigslist!

If you're planning a trip to New York City, chances are you've stumbled upon the Vacation Rentals section of Craigslist (and to a much lesser degree, Backpage). I bet you were surprised to see all those fancy pants apartments for $50-$100 bucks a night! And these aren't your run of the mill apartments that give you a view of your refrigerator from your pull out sofabed. No, these have queen size beds, buttloads of windows, a living room you can park your Lincoln in and kitchens that a chef would be proud of. Well, guess what, numbskull? They ain't real!!! At least, not real in the sense that they aren't really in New York City. And if they are, they're from multi-million dolla penthouses that requires a resume on IMDB or Hall of Fame stats. 

Not convinced? Look, Craigslist may be great if you wanna sell your broken record player or those slacks your ample ass grew out of, but the real estate game is just that - a game. Let's pretend for a second that you actually found a pimped out palace in the middle of Midtown with a lemon sun oozing through those gaudy-ass drapes. Do you really think you're gonna stay in a person's apartment for $50, $60. $70, $100 bucks a night???  With that mentality, you deserve to get ripped. Simple logic dictates your stupidity. The average studio or one bedroom apartment costs $1800-$2200 a month. And that's for a tiny place with those refrigerator views I mentioned before. An apartment like the ones you see on Craigslist with furnishings up the ying-yang cost way friggin' more than that. We're talkin' $3000-$3500 on the low end and $4k and up on the high end. Ask yourself, dummy... Why the hell would a renter charge you less than they're paying? Are the kind of people who can afford that kind of rent, the kind of people that want or need strangers parking their asses in their sheets?
 

Still blinded by hope? Tell you what, ya greedy gurney... shoot one of these foolios an email and tell them you wanna stay in their place. First off, the dates you want to visit will always be available. Naturally, there is no apartment. Depending on the scammer, you'll either get a short copy/pasted reply, an application or my favorite... the dreaded, "I'm overseas/out of the country and really hope you'll take care of my place while I'm gone". Classic! Secondly, ask them a few questions and pay attention to their vocabulary. Why? Because, dum-dum, they're in Africa or Eastern Europe and English isn't their first language. And last but not least, the final stunner... they ask you to wire transfer a deposit to hold the apartment. And there's the scam. These pricks are smart. They're not looking for the big kill, they want your deposit. Well, yours, the next guy, the next guy and so on... These asshats target small amounts of cash in quantity. They're not looking for a big score from one elephant, they take a little from a bunch of suckas! If you take one thing away from this post, let it be this... Never, ever, ever, no matter how convinced you are...NEVER WIRE TRANSFER MONEY TO ANYONE! And, if you do find one willing to accept a credit card payment via Paypal, don't think you're safe either. These scammers constantly set up accounts overseas and clean them out long before you'd show up homeless in NYC. They even arrange for people in the US with legit Paypal accounts to accept the payment on their behalf. And, speaking of unsavory business practices, Paypal won't do squat after 30 days. If you back out beforehand, there's lots of red tape since you're basically backing out of a transaction. Paypal certainly doesn't want to eat it and knows that it will if you have to resort to filing a chargeback with your credit card company - more red tape.  

So, how do you spot them? Well, you could avoid Craigslist completely since 90% of the rental ads are fake or you can accept the fact that any apartment under $150 a night is a fugazi and any apartment that looks better than your own isn't in NYC unless you've got bank, and to echo my early point - if you got bank you don't want or need to have some filthy freaks in your sheets!

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